It’s almost 2020 and everyone is talking New Year’s resolutions. I personally consider myself an anti-New Year's Resolution person. Any "resolutions" I've made in life have often come when I feel the motivation to implement them and not necessarily corresponding with a certain part of the year. That being said, here are some thoughts about what typically drives resolutions (trying to meet some external standard) versus resolutions that deconstruct the traditional narrative in favor of supporting self-worth.
Self-worth is the one resolution to rule them all. Many of the most popular resolutions are merely a longing for self-worth in disguise. Think about it. Attaining that goal weight. Shaping/toning the body. Finding a partner. Making that money. These are all connected to assuming we will have a certain experience once we meet these goals. In reality, whatever self-acceptance we feel from attaining that weight or finding that partner is likely to be temporary.
In truth, the most popular resolutions are often externally based. This means they are often made to meet someone else’s standards for how we should present or show-up. This can happen in both conscious and unconscious ways. While we might feel self-motivated towards diet or exercise, the pervasiveness of diet culture makes it difficult to ascertain whether we really have a completely inherent, judgement free motivation for wanting to be a certain size, or we’re so bombarded by images in the media and societal pressure that we just think we do (diet culture critics would say it’s definitely the latter).
So what if we shifted our focus towards resolutions based in promoting self-worth? Instead of focusing on ways to fix or change parts of the self, self-worth based resolutions steer us towards unfolding or growing into a fully actualized self. Rather than fixating on image or material gains self-worth emphasizes markers of internal well-being, such as mental peace, creativity, enjoyment and pleasure. And what I think is most significant about self-worth based resolutions is that the goals involved actually have some bearing on the intended emotional experience. What I mean by this is that often, our resolutions are actually meant to satisfy a desire for a certain emotional experience. We don’t choose to work towards a certain goal weight because it’s our favorite number, but rather we because we assume that obtaining that goal weight will supply us with a certain quantity of happiness. Trouble is, with these traditional externally based resolutions, that relationship if often fictitious at best. However, self-worth based resolutions can have a direct connection to the emotional experience we desire. If we wish to experience more peace in our daily life, we can work on creating on mindfulness practice, an evidence-based way to lower stress levels. If we’re passionate about art and want to experience more joy and pride in creation, we can keep a reasonable promise of working on our art practice 1-2 times a week. These things have a direct relationship to the emotional experiences we want to satisfy, and they support building our self-concept and self-worth.
If this still seems totally foreign, try translating your traditional New Year’s Resolution into a Self-Worth Based Resolution. Access my handy guide to translating resolutions here.
In summary, here’s your break-down:
Externally Based New Year’s Resolutions
Assume meeting external standards is greatest predictor of fulfillment
Focused on changing or "fixing" parts of self
Often emphasizes physical image/ material items
Assumed indirect relationship to desired emotional experience (i.e. weight loss=happiness)
Self-Worth Based New Year’s Resolutions
Assume internal sense of worth is greatest predictor of fulfillment
Focused on unfolding or growing into a fully actualized self
Emphasizes markers of internal well-being (i.e. mental peace, creativity)
Directly relates to desired emotional experience (i.e. self-compassion practice builds self-esteem)
We can deconstruct the idea that New Year's resolutions need to be about fitting an artificial external standard in favor of re-connecting with ourselves in the coming decade. If we focus on cultivating self-worth, we build resilience to the fluctuation of life-circumstance and external validation, and instead lean into our core sense of trust and connection to self. No better #2020goals than that.